From today's Borowitz Report (www.borowitzreport.com
SHAQ TO TESTIFY ABOUT DOUGHNUT ABUSE IN NBA
Krispy Kreme Calls Government Hearings "A Witch-hunt"
Miami Heat star Shaquille O'Neal will testify before a Congressional committee investigating rumors of widespread doughnut abuse in the National Basketball Association, the chairman of the committee confirmed today.
With a new study showing that 200 out of 426 NBA players are overweight, the probe into doughnut abuse is "long overdue" said Rep. Tom Davis (R-VA), chairman of the House Government Reform Committee.
"The NBA is an important contributor to the U.S. economy," Rep. Davis said in Washington today. "If NBA players are getting easily winded after one minute of play, the public has a right to know why."
Rumors about Mr. O'Neal's alleged doughnut abuse started in training camp this year, when, according to one source, "Shaq showed up looking really big."
In Miami, a spokesman for the perennial NBA all-star said that Mr. O'Neal was amenable to testifying before Congress, "as long as there's a break for lunch."
But even as some NBA fans applauded Congress's decision to initiate the doughnut probe, a spokesman for Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, Inc. called the congressional hearings "a witch-hunt."
"Whenever athletes get fat, it's always 'blame the doughnuts,'" said spokesman Carlton Lacroix. "But what about the role that pizza plays, or loaded nachos?"
For his part, Rep. Davis remains unconvinced by such arguments: "When NBA players come out on the court with white powder under their noses, that means only one thing."